One of my friends who received this email wrote me back and shared that she had voted for Trump. In the most gracious of words, she expressed, in addition to her care for me, that her feelings had been genuinely hurt by people now branding her a racist for her choice. My initial response was anger that she would respond to my email asking for prayer to tell me about her hurt feelings. For the sake of the relationship, I took some time to sit and think for a while. I had such anger in my heart at that moment toward Trump supporters in the abstract,  but here was a real person who I loved. I was headed to a friend’s for dinner and games and during the 20 minute wait for the bus and 40 minute bus ride I tried to understand her perspective, had an epiphany or two, and jotted down some notes in my phone to help me shape my response. I came home, thought about it a bit more and here’s what I came up with:

I love you and I’m glad you emailed. I have really enjoyed our friendship. I have loved catching up over meals around town and parties at your place are a blast!

Thank you for sharing with me how you are feeling post-election. You may be my only Trump-supporting friend,  so it is valuable to me to hear your perspective. I don’t think you’re evil and I know that you care about me. You have mentored underprivileged youth and volunteered with social justice ministries so I know you care about the poor and vulnerable. You have probably done more for them than I have. We’ve talked about scripture and worshipped together. I don’t doubt that you love Jesus and are dearly loved by him.

To borrow your own words: “Although we have very different views and outlooks on things, that does not affect how much I care for you. Sometimes I don’t know what to say because I am surprised at how you see people like me.”

I do not, for one second, think that you would be maliciously unkind to someone because of their race, or sexual orientation, or religion. I know you to be kind.

I do not, for one second, think that you would attack someone on the street or yell racial slurs at others. You have way too much class for that.

I do not, for one second, think that you hope the marginalized and disenfranchised fail. You are not the kind to wish ill for others.

I do not, for one second, think that you would watch someone suffer and, though having the ability to help, withhold it. You are too compassionate for that.

So I am bewildered that you, and millions of other Christians, would make a decision at cross-purposes with all the goodness I believe is inside you and at the expense of people that I know you care personally about. It’s hard for me to understand.

Electing a president has not only policy ramifications but cultural ramifications as well. The choice of a leader this year had the potential to either encourage and validate or suppress and reject a growing white nationalist and racist contingent of Trump supporters who, unlike you, are malicious, would attack others, and hope to keep others down so they can stay on top.

Your choice—whether you made it with this in mind or not—endangers people’s lives and threatens their freedoms. The collective choice of kind, Jesus-following people like you empowered others in the open expression of their hate.

I’m not sure what comes to mind when you think of the word racist, maybe people who openly hate and discriminate against people from other races? Maybe you imagine the KKK? I don’t know what you associate with the term; frankly, it is thrown around far too casually these days. Liberals are especially fond of flinging it at anyone they want to silence. I would not use that term about you.

You have a right to vote as you feel led for Trump but I do think that, by your vote, you enabled the worst of your party and gave them a pass.

I thought long and hard after getting your email tonight about how you must be feeling at what seems like are inaccurate accusations being hurled at white Christians. I have been frustrated in the past when people understood my vote for someone pro-choice to mean that I did not care about the unborn and that their blood was partially on my hands. I thought to myself that just because I prioritized other issues over that one doesn’t mean I don’t care about that as well. But to those who hold strong convictions about that, I am guilty by inaction or condoning something they consider evil. I now understand their position because I have a hard time not considering anyone—other than the desperately poor—who chose Trump an accessory to hate and discrimination.

That you could relegate the safety of your fellow citizens of color to a fourth or fifth place consideration while remainaining unaffected by the violent hate that will come their way is disappointing. And for as many of the ways that you are wonderful, I cannot help but see this as a flaw.

Trump breathed new life into racial hatred and fanned the hopes of many that whites and Christians could retain their power and privilege at the top. This isn’t all Trump supporters but I believe it is many. I’m sure you’ve seen the quote that when you are used to privilege, equality feels like oppression.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m disappointed to hear that you decided to vote this way, but even so, I still care about you as my sister and friend. It stings because I know you know me and others and would have thought that protecting us might have come higher up on your list of priorities when making a decision that will have such a huge impact. I will be the first to admit though that that is a selfish desire. Electing Trump has shamed us on the international stage, which is uncomfortable to my American pride, but we can bounce back.  But, it has tarnished the witness of the church to tolerate, even if not participating in, behaviors grossly out of line with Christian values. (Hillary, I understand, is no saint either).

We are all allowed our list and make the choices we feel most comfortable with. My choice deprioritized people as well. I will not, however, walk back that I feel betrayed and appalled by the 3 out of 4 Christians who helped put Trump in the White House. I am sorry your feelings are hurt, but if all that is hurt are your feelings you’re making off pretty well compared with those whose lives are potentially about to be upended and who now live in fear for their safety.

Look forward to catching up more soon!

This isn’t a one-size-fits-all response. This is in response to someone I know and love and have tremendous respect for but maybe it can be a starting point for others in how to reach out.